Gaming, Anime, and Life without hearing

Archive for August, 2010

my thoughts

Posted by pandatr0nics on 08/14/2010

I guess I don’t have any photos to post or games or anime to talk about today.  I have no videos either though there’s only that 1 video anyhow. Today, I guess I just want to talk about what I’m thinking about, how I’m doing and what’s to come for me.

I am worried right now because one of my cats isn’t doing well at the moment and he’s my been with me since I first was found to have a blood related problem as well as an allergy to peanuts which at the time i loved more than anything. It might seem like a long time to have a cat I suppose, but I really love him and I worry that he won’t make it through this difficult time.

You see my animals are all that I have to keep my livelihood going during my own difficult time even though I can’t hear their voices I know they are giving me support. The cats, the dog, the bird, and even  the fish in the pond in the backyard they are all I have to keep me company during the hours I am alone in the day. They’ve been there when no one else is. I love my cat he always came to me to cuddle when something was wrong, it’s like he knew that I or anyone else in the house was dealing with something. I want him to come home safely and spend more time with me.

My pets…they are family members they are given our last name when they joined us. I’m sure others might feel the same about their pets. So I hope that he comes home to me safe and sound, my important family member.

I’m losing sleep often these days as I’m also worried for myself and whether or not surgery for the cochlear implant will be successful or even work. This is my last shot trying to hear if it fails then that’s it, there are no more chances. I’m afraid because I’ve never had surgery before, I’m afraid that it might go badly and more than just my hearing is affected by the surgery. I recently watched something called Orange Days about a deaf girl, and a lot of the story I could understand they are things that I think about also .

I am doing my best to stay positive, to stay strong, but it’s hard and is getting harder as I wait and wait for the date of surgery to be given to me. It’s very hard to hold myself together when talking with friends because I want to keep talking, but I feel bad when I can’t understand their responses properly. I want to keep using my voice even if I have to learn sign language, but part of me is scared that I will talk less and eventually forget how to.

It really is the little things in life that I am missing more than anything. I go outside to relax and get fresh air, but it’s wrong to me because I see the birds, the pond, the wind making the trees sway and many other things, but theres no sound. I sit there and nature isn’t talking to me the way it used to and I usually break down just a little, but only at home and never anywhere else. I couldn’t let anyone see an adult man crying for nothing by himself because they wouldn’t understand and would probably say things…not that I would hear them.

I have too much I’m thinking about that I can barely get through this post to you, my readers, my friends…You’re that important to me. You are all supporting me despite my lack of content for so many months .

Thank you all very very much. I will keep doing my best so please come visit and read and comment to me again.

Thank you very much,

-David Farinha (Pandatronics)


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